For Every Woman Who is a Daughter and the Mother of a Daughter
Our daughters need to grow, to push up against our expectations, and to be independent, because they are ultimately learning that they can and will carry on as torch bearers for another generation. While work life balance may be neither possible nor attainable, putting guardrails in place can help. I was never great at balance but I did acknowledge my ambition while trying to nurture the complicated needs of my family and, even as I always put them first, they had to accommodate to my schedule and the demands on my time. It was never easy, but we did the work together.
I wrote part of this essay while I was head of Marlborough, and have now, with more time for reflection, edited it a bit. Looking back at my mother, I found both a role model and a cautionary tale. Since my early days of childhood, she was always a key person in my life, and I spent many years trying to wedge into her extraordinarily huge footprint.
She was a woman on the move, first taking care of her ever-growing brood of seven and then pivoting into a full-time career as an educator. She was always so busy that sometimes she felt like a blur as she headed off to school and the requisite meetings.
As she grew more confident in her job, she began to reimagine her colorful life and to cast herself a little differently to better fit her hoped-for narrative. Women are so hard on themselves and I listened to her as she worried that she was neglecting one area of her life in favor of another and always believed that she was coming up short. As a woman, she was judged more harshly because there were those on her boards who did not believe that she could manage her family and the demands of the job. She simply worked harder for longer hours.
During the height of her career, she and my father drifted out of each other’s emotional orbit while she pursued a graduate degree, became a school administrator and, ultimately was appointed head of a girls’ school. He was winding down as she was soaring and beginning to hit her stride.
To be sure, my dad was proud of her, but as a World War II vet, he had not imagined an ambitious, often absent wife. Sometimes home became his responsibility and he was ill-equipped for those demands.
This was not part of his idyllic fantasy, and they grew more cautious and less likely to share stories of their work. They walked around their feelings and kept to safe moments – holidays, family celebrations, and children’s milestones. It was enough to sustain them and we children were witness to the toll work took on mom and, at the same time, how much she loved what she did, a passion my father never had for his career.
Reflecting on Work Life Balance for Women
The year after my mother officially retired from her headship, my parents packed up and moved to Cleveland, because mom had accepted a one year interim headship. It was a perfect transition and it turned out to be one of the happiest years they would remember.
Blessedly, the stakes as an interim head were not as high, and my mother did not need to prove herself as she had in the past, over and over, for ever-changing Boards of Trustees. This time around she called her professional shots.
In Cleveland, she was finally able to enjoy herself and, perhaps simply through geography, divorce her children a bit, although she would never have admitted she had done so. I suppose we never stopped being a little dependent and needy from time to time, but we marveled at this last chapter pivot..
While we missed them, we loved knowing how happy they were. It was a reset for them both, and when they returned to Pennsylvania a year later, they curated a quiet life of reading, walks, and dinners for which they always changed clothes.
In the end, they basked in the glow of their last hard-won chapter together surrounded by children, grandchildren and a few great-grands.
Navigating Work Life Balance for Women
Sometimes I had a hard time seeing through those glossy and rose-tinted lenses of my mother’s memory. However, for the five years she lived after my father’s death, her memories of family were what sustained and nourished her. She never lost her love for the work we shared and she could listen endlessly to my challenges, offering advice that always began, “What you need to do…” While she made peace with her imperfections and inability to do it all, she had a trove of advice for me..
Embracing Complexity in Work Life Balance for Women
My mother was never fully comfortable with her ambition and the demands of her job, which she loved. By re-creating an image of us gamboling on the lawn while she made cookies, she was able to round out an important fantasy for her, because she also truly loved being a mother.
What I most remember and cherish was the complexity and nuance of her life. We children were often banished from her study, particularly when she was writing her dissertation, and yes, we grumbled.
Forcing us to solve our own problems from time to time did us no harm. She needn’t have worried about her legacy or her time away from us. We remain extremely proud of her and loved her dearly, flaws and all.
Building Strong Mother-Daughter Relationships
My own daughter and I have a special and open relationship, yet there have been times I questioned my decision to live across the country. I remember calling her one day and reminding her that if she needed me, I would immediately fly to her.
She laughed and said, “Mom, crisis is your jam. You are always there for us. I never doubt your emergency availability, but just remember that the harder choice for you is to say, “Yes to London and a hike through The Brontë country.” And there she had me.
So we did, adding to our many adventures together. At that time, I could not have imagined how Covid would change everything. My “to the tips of her toes” New York daughter suddenly decided that the family needed to move to LA to be near grandparents while, at the same time, I was desperately missing all of my children and wondering when I would ever see them again. Suddenly, half of my children were living in Los Angeles. As my only daughter she holds a special place in my heart and I am so proud of the woman she has become. She made her own decisions and grew up always knowing I was there, and yet I shared my mother’s guilt. I never felt that I was enough for my kids and I always expected them to understand the complexities and demands of my job. It was not easy for any of us.
What I learned was that I would harbor guilt but I also could be easier on myself. I expected a good deal from my children and they delivered, learning to be more self-sufficient than I ever was. While they may have grumbled, it served them well.
Celebrating the Balancing Act of Work Life Balance for Women
I think most mothers struggle with guilt, worrying about being less, or at least hoping to be more. Our children need to grow, to push up against our expectations, and to be independent, because they are ultimately demonstrating that they can and will carry on as torch bearers for another generation.
And we mothers need to celebrate one another and most importantly ourselves. Having your daughter seeing you as a fully complex and flawed woman is a gift. Being perceived as “The Giving Tree” will force us to lose our leaves and branches, the parts that make us most interesting.
Consider This: Work Life Balance for Women Research
Recent research underscores the importance of achieving work-life balance for women, highlighting its impact on both personal well-being and professional success. According to a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center, approximately 45% of working mothers reported feeling always rushed and stressed due to juggling work and family responsibilities. The study also found that women who manage to establish a better work-life balance experience higher levels of job satisfaction, reduced stress, and improved mental health.
Another report from the International Labour Organization (ILO) revealed that companies promoting flexible work arrangements and family-friendly policies saw increased productivity and lower turnover rates among female employees. These findings emphasize the necessity for ongoing support and policies that help working women navigate the complexities of balancing career and family commitments effectively.
Share Your Thoughts on Balancing Work and Family
Reflect on how the dynamics within your family shape your perceptions of success and fulfillment. How do you manage the expectations placed upon you by yourself and others? Let’s celebrate the multifaceted lives of women together. Leave a comment and connect with others navigating the same journey!
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