Solve for Happy: Understanding What Makes a Happy Child

Over the years, parents have often wistfully confided in me that all they want for their children is for them to be happy. I understand this yearning, who hasn’t felt it, but achieving authentic happiness requires a deeper understanding of what it is we truly need versus what we want in the moment.

Witnessing the journey of my four children through school, each chasing her/his own definition of what would make them happy, I’ve seen firsthand how their happiness was often equated with academic achievement, varsity sports team positions, prime choral spots, or starring roles in plays. I hoped for these accomplishments for them as well, and  I empathize with other parents as our children’s yearnings are sometimes exhausting and can be bound up in our hopes and dreams, which we may inadvertently telegraph as expectations.

Through my life experience, I understand that the specificity of these achievements, while aspirational, were not the keys to their authentic happiness. It is a hard lesson to learn but it’s an important reminder to impart to our children what is truly important.  Helping them keep an open channel to what they love and what interests them will help them remain curious, engaged, and purposeful.

Discovering Passion: My Path to a Happy Child

The path to my own passion opened up when I was in the 4th grade. I had earned a very small role in my elementary school’s drama production. Through my rose-colored glasses the tatty and dusty royal robes and crowns that we wore were pure spun gold. I also remember my baby sister’s pride in me. To her, I was the star and to anyone vaguely interested or even not at all, she would proclaim that her big sister was the magnificent “Umballilla Bear.” Although I was merely the Royal Umbrella Bearer, and while my sister may have been a little letdown having hoped for something a bit more grisly and ferocious, her enormous hugs after the show told me otherwise.

Those first seeds of my happiness had been planted deep within the floorboards of that makeshift stage, and even with very few lines this joy would ultimately become my life’s work both in theater and most importantly in schools.  In both I found communities where I would become a part of something larger than myself and where I would work hard to achieve the goals that were important yet would lie dormant for several years. My profession has made me immensely happy and witnessing children as they blossom and grow has been a profound honor. 

Being in schools for most of my professional life meant that I was usually surrounded by the angst and emotions of young adolescents ranging from tears to euphoria that were both often short-lived and could combust almost simultaneously. Throughout the years I had been blessed with great administrative teams and our conversations about their lives through the lens of developmental stages, pushed us to delve into the science of happiness and not simply believe what we thought we knew.

Science of Happiness: Insights for Raising a Happy Child

While working in Philadelphia, I became interested in examining happiness scientifically and had the benefit of several conversations with Dr. Martin Seligman, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania. Dr. Seligman is well known as one of the founders of Positive Psychology, and having read his book Learned Optimism, I was able to harness my own glass half full profile to try and help students tap into theirs as well. The Harvard University Longitudinal Study on Happiness also drew my attention as this extensive project has been tracking the lives of hundreds of individuals for decades in order to attempt to quantify happiness in order to uncover the long-term traits of happy people. The study, through exhaustive and data-driven methods, including medical records and personal interviews, provides insights into various aspects of the subjects’ lives.

The Role of Relationships in a Happy Child

One of the standout findings from the study is that the quality of relationships is a major predictor of long-term happiness. It’s not about wealth or status; it’s about the connections we have with others. Typically, our families of origin as well as the families we create are significant markers throughout our lives.  Another key takeaway is the importance of physical and mental health, and a higher sense of purpose. Just the other day, my adult son told me that he was grateful that I nudged him into sports because it gave him a sense of physical well being as well as a memory of how it felt to be part of a team, which has been a cornerstone of his work environment. 

I was never an athlete but I am a firm believer that my commitment to daily exercise has given me a deeper understanding and appreciation for the world around me.  Being outside in the early morning, without distraction or interruption is my meditation rooted in an abiding appreciation for a world that reminds me each day of my infinitesimal and inconsequential role in the universe. 

Lifelong Lessons for a Happy Child

While the Harvard study continues to  provide valuable insights into leading a fulfilling life, while influencing psychology, sociology, and public policy, it has been the catalyst for many more studies with many circling back to the ideal of a commitment to self, to others, to community and to causes as a pretty good pathway toward a life well lived. As this ongoing treasure trove of wisdom continues to reveal what truly matters, I have seen the results in many qualitative ways when students come back or reach out long after they have graduated. The standout adults are those who cultivated joy and purpose.  They choose what they love, keep and cherish the bonds they already have made and form new friendships and relationships and believe in a sense of purpose.  Some are financially successful, while others live more modest lives, but all mention community and causes that were near and dear to them.

I have been so touched by the young people I have known and have learned so much more from them than they ever have from me.  They have been my teachers and my guiding stars and have often reminded me what happiness really looks like.

It is important for us all to remember that attaining happiness is life’s long view. Life is complex and sometimes children are deservedly sad or unhappy.  It is hard to fail and to feel disappointment but keeping connections, finding purpose in everyday life, caring for others, cultivating empathy, and thinking outside the small circle of one’s individual presence on this planet, are important daily touchstones.  

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Reflection Questions for Parents 

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